I Didn’t Want to Be Fixed. I Just Wanted to Be Seen.
- Phillip Andrew Barbb
- Aug 10
- 3 min read
From performative success to purposeful presence — a story about loss, self-destruction, and building something beautiful.
My mom taught me how to speak. My dad taught me when to stand strong and listen. Both believed leadership was something you earned, not declared.
I grew up in a home shaped by service. My mother was a fierce school board member and philanthropist; my father, a kind but stern police officer and sports coach. They preached integrity. Say what you mean. Mean what you say. And when you see someone struggling, show up.
As a kid, I was always in front. Science fairs. Speech contests. Theater. I learned early how to be "on." My mom cheered the loudest. She made me feel like I could do anything.
Then cancer came. I still remember the night I found out. I cried with my dad and sister, wiped my tears, and put on my basketball jersey. I thought if I just kept moving, kept performing, the pain would go away.
It didn’t.
When she died, something shifted. I told myself: You better get everything done before you die. It fueled my ambition. It also poisoned my peace. I lived with a constant fear that time was running out. That I was behind. That I wasn’t enough.
In my twenties, that fear showed up as partying, drinking, and self-destruction. I was arrested multiple times. Hospital visits. Fights. Until finally, just 11 days before moving to LA to start my career in entertainment, I got a DUI. That was my rock bottom. That was my I can’t do this anymore moment.
And that’s when I found recovery.
I walked into 12-step meetings expecting shame and judgment. What I found was something I didn’t even know I was starving for: unconditional love. People didn’t care what I had achieved. They weren’t impressed by my stories. They looked me in the eye and treated me with kindness simply because they had decided to live differently. Not because I earned it. But because they knew what it was like to feel lost.
That was the life hack: Love others through it all. You don’t need to prove anything. But self-love? That’s an inside job.
And I was terrible at it.
I was a master of "rehearsed vulnerability." I knew how to say just enough to seem real without ever being raw. I could be surrounded by friends, laughter, success — and still feel utterly alone by 2:30 a.m. It took years of inner work to learn how to let people see me. Not the polished version. Not the performance. Me.
Now, as a coach and creator, that’s what I offer: not perfection, not hype, but presence. I help people get honest. I help men stop performing success and start living with clarity, purpose, and self-respect.
You don’t need another productivity hack. You need someone to say, “Yeah, this sucks. And you’re allowed to feel it.” You need to know you’re not broken. You’re just buried.
And you can dig your way out.
Welcome to the journey. Let’s build something beautiful together.
Thanks for reading! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.
About Phillip Andrew BarbbI’m a high-performance coach, Emmy-nominated television producer, and author of All the Reasons I Hate My 28-Year-Old Boss. I know what it feels like to be successful on paper but restless in spirit.
Through this newsletter and my weekly virtual check-in Sunday Solutions, I help high-achieving men in their late 20s to late 30s who feel stuck between the life they built and the one they actually want.
If you're tired of playing it safe, stuck in routines that don’t fulfill you, and you're craving clarity, purpose, and momentum, you’re in the right place.
Each week, I share real stories, sharp insights, and small, practical steps to help you lead yourself first — with honesty, courage, and heart.
Ready to reset and reconnect with purpose? Join the next Sunday Solutions session at www.phillipbarbb.com.
Original Substack:
Comments